Another Christmas Memory

Today's memory is not so much a memory but a tradition. There are many things that could be considered a tradition. The walnuts in Pappee’s slippers were a tradition, in the sense that it was something that probably started with my mom and continued with the grandchildren. Everyone seems to have things that they do every year. We have several things, those are the things I have been writing about and will write about in the days to come.

A fresh fruit salad was one of the dishes always on the table at Christmas dinner. It seemed that every year, no matter what the economic condition, there was a fruit salad. Apples (a couple of different kinds), oranges, tangerines, grapes (sometimes with seeds, sometimes not), bananas and walnuts (not the kind that we already shelled, but the ones we shelled by hand) were all a part of the dish. Most of the time, I remember that it was my grandmother, Mammaw who did all the work. As we girls got older, we got to help. I can remember many times, sitting at the kitchen table cracking walnuts! It was one of our favorite dishes at the holidays!

Today, Mammaw, Pappee, Mom and Dad are all gone. Produce is much more expensive these days, but still we manage to have our fruit salad. For me, it is a precious memory of what was.

Christmastide is here, Part 2

As I was thinking about what memory to share, I told my daughter Lori, what I was doing. She reminded me of something that I did for her and her daughter on their first Christmas. I think I will let tell you that story sometime in the future. For me, I want to share some memories that were important in my life, not what I have done for others. That isn't who I am.

Many of my favorite memories of Christmas involve my grandparents. I don't know why that surprises me; they were such a big part of my life! My grandfather, Roscoe Lindsey, especially so. He was a rock and I later learned and recovering alcoholic. But he was a good Christian man and I never saw him take a drink.

Pappee, as we called him, always enjoyed playing with the grandchildren. One of his favorite Christmas gags was to tell the kids that he hoped that when Santa came on Christmas Eve that he didn't fill his house slippers with walnuts, as he always seemed to do. And of course he would go to bed and one kid would be chosen to go in and get his house slippers after he "went to sleep". We would fill his slippers with walnuts and place them back where they were, next to the bed. The next morning, Pappee would get up and go to put his feet in his slippers...sure enough; Santa had filled his slippers with nuts, once again! You would hear him holler from the bedroom...I never got tired of that!

Christmastide is here!

Well, the intention was there...I was going to write a Christmas memory for every day of Christmastide, but I was so tired last night, I simply went to bed. Since this one is about Christmas when I was 2 years old, it would only be right to dedicate this to my little grandson, Andrew, also two years old.

Today, I begin with my earliest Christmas memory. When I was 2 years old I remember Santa coming to my Mammaw and Pappee's house. He brought me and my new little brother, Wayne who had been born in May of that year, our presents. It was so cool! Santa brought me twin dolls, a doll bed and a play iron and ironing board. And before he left, my Mammaw grabbed him and gave him a big ol' kiss, right on the mouth! He was so surprised that he just fell down right in the floor!
Now, you might speculate that I really don't remember that happening. I can tell you that I have heard stories about that event, all of my life. There is also a home movie of this same event, somewhere?

News from the front

I have been reading from other people's blogs, posts on Facebook and other places and it has given me much to think about. I'm not sure just what I want to write about today. I just felt the need to get some of these things out of my head!

It has been a pretty interesting year for me. I have been unemployed for most of 2009 and consequestly had to rely on unemployment insurance for the first time. That has been at times a frustrating experience. Sometimes, not worth the small amount I receive, but in all I am very grateful.

Not working has also made me look at some other things in my life. One was what to do with myself when I couldn't find a job. This year I have done several thing to keep me busy. I have begun to work more diligently on my crafts. in other words my crocheting. Another thing I have done is to start working on myself a little more. Next week I have an appointment with Vocational Rehab, to go over a "career plan" with my caseworker. I am also considering doing something about where I live. I am no longer satisfied sitting here and doing nothing.

The biggest problem for me, is that I am a natural procratinator. It really is hard for me to keep the momentum going. I'm not sure what it will take to get me out of this rut, but I am determined to do it. I have finished raising my children and now it is time for me to do what I need to do.

There, that's a start! I know there is more to come!

A new perspective

I have been reading some of the blogs my friends write and have come to some conclusions. I think it might be good for me to take some time and just write about the things that are on my mind. I say this because there are times when I have so much in my head, I find that writing helps to clear my mind.

So watch out, I will be here more often or that is the plan right now, more later!

Reflections on Addiction and Recovery

Tonight, I was listening to the speaker at the AA meeting at SIS. As I listened to the experiences of those who were in attendance, I began to think and compare their experiences to those I had when I was at my wildest. I can remember being at some of the same points as those I heard speak. Were it not for making some different decisions and God's grace, I would most certainly be in the same position as they are today.

I can remember thinking that I thought I was cool when I tried pot for the first time. I wanted to fit in and I had never had the courage when I lived in Jefferson County. It wasn't around, I guess. I can remember drinking Wild Turkey with Tommy at the place where his sister lived, not far from where I live now. That was daring, but more acceptable in my family. While I can trace these beginnings and I could blame the things that were going on at home, I still have to take responsibility for my part in the choices I made.

I know that God must have had some plans for me because things could have turned out so different.

Change is Good

Somethin's happenin' here, what it is ain't exactly clear, singing songs and carrying signs...that seems to be the song that comes to mind these days. Not because of the conflict in our nation, although that may be part of it, it seems to have more to do with my personal life than anything else. So many things are happening that it sometimes makes my head spin. You know what happens when you finally get to a point where you either do something or sit around and wait for the end of life? I was at that point at the beginning of summer.

I am at the age where I no longer have to responsibility of children and it seems that the work I have done in the past is not nearly as relevant as it once was. In other words, I want to live and feel and do something before I get so old that I can't. I am not sure as to what that is, but I know that it is out there.

Is that a midlife crisis?

In an earlier post I wrote about some of the things that went on this summer. My next younger sibling turned 50, my baby brother announced that he was "volunteering" for his second tour of duty, this time to Afghanistan and my time singing with the Friday Night Band had come to an end. Oh, and I am unemployed! While all these things were fairly important, in and of themselves, the emotional and spiritual changes that came along with them were equally as significant.

For the last four years, since Dad had died I have been living with my friend Jim. (I hate the term boyfriend, sounds so high school and all.) At first things were good, we lived in the house that he had rented for many years and we also had other roommates, as well. But after being there for only eight short months, we found out that the owner was selling the house and that we would need to move. That brings us to where we are now. Because we had to move in a hurry and there wasn't time to save money to move, our only real choice was to move in with another friend of Jim's. A man that had a home, not far away from where we were living. That all took place three years ago.

When we moved in there, Jim was sure that it would be short term and had told me that I shouldn't get comfortable. I know that he told me that for my own good. Now it has been three years and I'm still not comfortable and I want to have a place of my own.

That brings me back to the Summer of 2009.

This summer I decided that I had all I could take. I have difficulties with depression and a lot of physical ailments as well. I had become so depressed from looking for work and not being able to find anything, the whole issue with the band was devastating. I was about to give up! As a matter of fact I had given up! All of my days seemed to be filled with sitting in front of the television set and at the computer. My brain was going numb!

It was at that point when I started having contact with some friends from my past. These friends seemed to have some ideas that sounded promising. I decided to take a look at what they were talking about and see if there was indeed something there for me.

I can't say it was really just my friends though. I do believe that God had a hand in this. I think God knew that I was a the bottom and that is when God sent my friends to make me look up! And looking up is what I needed to do. I have started back to reading (thanks John and Michael), I have started meditating, and walking, and I started taking time to do the things I need to do for myself (thanks to Monte, Cynthia and Joe). I have lived all my life doing what I thought was right, what I thought was expected of me and denying myself in order to make it happen. I have put my dreams away. partly due to fear of what others would say or how they would react. It is at this point, now that I no longer accept that as reality.

I know that by declaring that I will conquer my fear and be the woman that God has intended for me to be, that it will not always be easy. And well, there is that fear of the unknown lurking out there, fear that God is going to drop me in the middle of something scary or hurtful or dangerous, but I know that is silly because I have faith that God knows what God is doing. In other words, I have a fear of losing control.

Or maybe it was a fear of taking control? Now that I think about it, I'm not sure that what I was really tired of is not being in control. In reality, I think maybe I had given up control instead and allow others to direct things for me.

Today, I am staying with my daughter, Lori. It's temporary because she suddenly got very ill and needed help with my granddaughter, Lilli. I have been here for a week and I don't know for sure how much longer I will need to be here. but I am here and God is using me and blessing me. A lot has changed since May 2009 and I had made a statement on my Facebook page that I had felt that 2009 was going to be year of change for me. It surely has, but it's not over...

How I spent my summer

I don’t ever remember having to write that terribly strange essay about what I did over the summer or on my Summer Vacation, I’m sure that I did, I just don’t remember it. I guess the reason I don’t remember is that I never thought my summers were anything out of the ordinary. Well, this time I am going to tell you about my summer. Some of it was good, some not so good.

It started out fairly well, Lori and Lilli were going to have their first dry (free from drugs and alcohol) summer ever and Josh was temporarily employed at Churchill Downs and living with Elizabeth. I was unemployed, looking for work. Still singing with the Friday Night Band and living with Jim. This is how things have been for the past nearly a year.




We knew that my brother, Leon was going to Afghanistan, but not exactly when. After all they have been talking about this for some time. Donna and Denise are busy working and Wayne turned 50 in May.

With all this going on, we decided to have a family picnic in early June in anticipation of Leon’s being away for Guard training and the summer heat. It was at the picnic that this story starts.



The picnic itself was fairly well organized, it came off really well. Almost all the kids showed up and we had a good time. But every one of my siblings thinks they are in charge and often there are too many chiefs and not enough Indians. (Not a racist comment!) After all we are part Cherokee…

We had more food; we could have easily fed ten more people. Steven was at the grill and then there came the time for Leon’s big announcement. He announces that he is going to Afghanistan in August and that he and his wife, Pam of over 20 years are getting a divorce. He acted like these things were related and that it was going to be a big surprise to us all.

It was sometime after that that I stopped singing with the band. All I can say about that is that things have a beginning and an ending. Things change and so must we all adapt to the change. Just one note about this; as much as it hurt in the beginning to not be part of the band, I understand why this happened and realize that it was time for the change and I have accepted it. Traumatic as that was, I have moved on.

Health issues have been a topic this summer, as well. We had a recheck of the earlier in the year colonoscopy. In the space of three weeks I had a tooth pulled and an episode with my gall bladder. Each of those problems has caused me to rethink some of the ways I have been living.

Needless to say, I have had to adjust my diet and my attitude toward nearly everything. I looked at my life, my health and yes, some of my relationships. I am no longer happy to sit here. I had almost forgotten who I was and what made me happy.

Today, I have almost completely eliminated meat from my diet. I am back to reading and writing. I am looking for a job, but I have also gone back to Vocational Rehab. I am starting to take charge of my life again. I have decided I have lived in Richard’s house long enough. He needs to have his home back; I can see that in him. I don’t know how long it is going to take, but I know that I am moving in the right direction. I just pray that God will give me the patience to do this the right way.

The other change…I have discovered a new freedom. In all the things that have happened this summer, I have realized that something else has ended as well. I am no longer just Lori and Josh’s mom, not in my eyes or in the eyes of others. I know that I am now in a new phase of my life and that it is out there for me to discover. What does that mean? I’m not sure yet. I do know that for the first time in my life I don’t feel I have to take care of someone. I mean that in the sense of being a parent or a wife. I still care a great deal for others, but I don’t want to change their diapers...

God is a God of Hope 2003A

Weird title, huh? This is a piece that I wrote back in 2003 and I don't believe it was ever used. I just thought I would post it here...If you like it let me know!

I wondered when I was given this assignment what I might write. I have often thought of God in the terms of the hope He brings. Just as I have always known and trusted that God would provide, I have always known that God would be with me, even through my darkest times. Believe me, I have had some dark times.

The best and one of the most recent examples of God’s hope incarnate for me involves my granddaughter, Lilli.

It was on September 11, 2001 that we as Americans and human beings of the world suffered a great tragedy. I had been watching the news that day and saw the events live as they happened. Like so many churches, Highland had a prayer service that evening for the ones who were lost and for our country in general. It was a solemn service and very emotional.

I had told Lori about the service, but as usual she was running a bit late. Then I saw them come in the back, Lori and almost one-year-old Lilli. I don’t know if had been intentional or not, but Lori had dressed Lilli in a t-shirt that had an American flag on it. Well, as one year olds are apt to do she got a bit fidgety near the end of the service, so I took her to the back in case we needed to leave. She settled down and at the end of the service we sang, “It is well with my soul”. It was a precious moment for me. We came to the last refrain and I noticed Lilli was singing, too. I don’t remember her ever doing that before. At the same time I saw that she was looking at our Revelation window. I just wept.

In that precious little one, the one that Jesus said, if you come to Me as…was there giving me hope for the future. I knew that night there was someone who didn’t have to feel the pain and grief that we all felt that day. That innocence still remained. There was someone out there who wasn’t afraid and didn’t know the horror of watching, as thousands of people died that day. She is not scarred by that memory.

My little granddaughter, Lilli gave me hope that God is here, incarnate, with us every day, no matter what happens in our lives. She shows me regularly that I need to trust my heavenly parent like she trusts us to provide for her.

God of Hope, come to us through the trusting hearts of children. May their innocence be an example of how we are to trust in You. Amen