Alone at last...

Any one who knows me know that I came from a big family and have always been surrounded by people. Whether it's parents and siblings, spouses and children or at this point, housemates. I have been one of group living, so to speak. That is until this past week! As of today I have been apartment/cat sitting for my friend, Megan who is out of town.

I believe that this is the longest time I have purposely been alone in my entire life. Part of me is enjoying it, but there is another part of me that is getting really bored. I don't have a lot to do and I'm even getting bored with Facebook! If you would have told me a few weeks ago that I could ever be bored with Facebook, I would have laughed quietly and let you enjoy that fantasy.

Now to say that I am alone is not completely true. I did mention a cat, didn't I? One of the big reasons I am here is to take care of her highness, Miss Gracie Lou Fluffybutt! I say that jokingly, she is spoiled, but we seem to be getting along just fine. We have our disagreements; I want to sit my things on the table next to the bed (clearly a no-no)...it blocks her path to the window, we are working on boundary issues (no you can't play with my glasses!). But she knows where the treats are kept and will come ask if she wants some, even if it is 4am!

Overall, I'm doing okay. Just having trouble getting myself motivated to make some of the phone calls or do the things I need to do. I wonder if I am going to have this much trouble doing what I need to do if I really get a place of my own?

What a Wonderful year!

Well, it's December 23rd and almost Christmas. I'm amazed at the way this year has gone. But then I usually am. Saying what I am thankful for and counting and recounting every blessing. This time I have decided to write it down here.

The biggest thing to have happened this year is having the ability to let go. There is a song we sing at Friday Church that is called "Release and Let Go". I took that as my mantra for the summer. There were a lot of things I just needed to let go of. Some things that made me angry, some things that broke mt heart, but I had to leard to "let it all go" as the song says.

The next big thing for me was I changed from singing tenor to alto in choir. Now some might think that isn't a big deal. But it has caused me to face a few things. One, I don't care for sitting with the women. I keep thinking that this is going to make me identified with these women. Sounds stupid, I know but that is how I felt when I first changed parts. Two, I have to learn all new parts. I have been skating along, all these years, in the tenor section, especially during the holidays, because we sing a lot of the same music from year to year and so I only had a limited amount of music I had to actually learn. Number three, I no longer stand out. When I sang tenor, I was an anomaly. I liked that, I stood out! Which leads to some the other things that have happened this year.

My friend, Megan said that she finally had to realize that she was not going to be the big time, hot shot and accept what God has given her. One of her favorite sayings comes from Mother Theresa, "None of us can do anything great on our own, but we can all do a small thing with great love." Truth is, not many of us really get to be the "hot shot" we dream of, but we are all called to do the small things, with great love. That is one of the things I have learned and still learning from Megan. She is one of the big things that has happened to me this year.

I asked God to send me someone to help me get out of the situation I am in. I knew what I wanted and needed, but didn't have the clarity of thought to do it on my own. God sent me Megan. I have known her for a long time, but just casually. Now, I am cat-sitting for her while she is out of town. She comes to the house to pick me up. She helps me run errands that otherwise don't get done or they are done at Jim's convenience (and with a lot of heavy sighing or complaining). Over all she is helping me to get up and live the life I should be living.

Something else happened this year. There are several people in my family who have passed away. I mentioned most of them in a previous post. One I didn't mention was my stepsister Anita. This is really strange because I can't for the life of me remember her last name. It's in my head somewhere, but it isn't coming to where I can access it.

Another thing, related to the music is that I gained enough confidence to be able to go on a choir tour with members of our Sanctuary Choir and 12 African Students, studying in Morocco. Voices United! I now have a whole new world of friends from that experience. That was one of the most wonderful and exhausting experiences of my life.

I also went of vacation, alone this year! Something I had never done!

And look at me, writing all this stuff about me!

Wow, Something Happened!

Well, something happened this year. In spite of unusual tension surrounding the holidays, Thanksgiving went very well. There was the missing orange juice for the sauce over the sweet potatoes and the travel arrangments for the the family overflow this year. When it comes right down to it, those things were minor in comparison to the things I have to be thankful for.

My Thanksgiving begins on Thursday morning with church and then breakfast at HBC. I stayed with Megan Wednesday night so that she wouldn't have to come out to pick me up and so that I didn't have to go in with the alternative ride, the "Eggman" (Steve Brown) had to be there at 6am. I'm still not a morning person!

Part of the church service is the naming of things we are thankful for. The things I am thankful are not so tangible this year. Some of them are:

1. My children: Lori is doing better- While she had a bad relationship earlier this year. She got herself out of it and is now talking to someone that we think we like. Josh has grown alot this year- He had to move out of the house with Elizabeth, but that wasn't all bad. He has finally found an apartment. He has a lot to learn, but he seems to be doing okay.

The best part of this is that I have finally been able to get both my kids to depend on me less!

2. Me: I have done a lot of work on me this year. I went on vacation, by myself for the first time in about 20 years and I got to go on a choir tour with a group of students studying in Morocco. How blessed I am!

3. My Friends: I am learning to trust people and myself a little more. I have prayed that God give me direction for my life. I have been unemployed for almost two years. Learning that some of the things I attributed to others, was in my mind, helped me to understand some of the ways I could work on myself. That helps me to have a clearer understanding of the direction my life is taking.

I'm going to stop here for now. Iam going to try to post more often, but we will see what happens!

Okay, So I skipped yesterday!

Yes, I skipped writing yesterday, but then Sunday's are always busy. Yesterday was proof that my children still have issues, but different ones. It took forever to get things organised, yesterday. Church was very good, Lilli rang handbells for the first time in worship. They really did a good job! I continue to be impressed by the music program at Highland! Thanks to Rick, Libby, Mac and Marilyn for all the work you do with our children.

After church, there was planning for lunch. I told the kids that I could not treat them to lunch this week. Lori was okay with that, but Josh managed to talk someone into fronting him for lunch with the guarantee that he would pay them back. I was not happy, but I guess I need to let him be responsible for himself.

As I continue to make my plans, I really need to maintain some focus. I made a list of things I need to do this week and now I must find a way to do them.

Day 2

Wow, here I am for the second day in a row! I did something yesterday that I had been needing to do for a couple of weeks. Well, I did more than that, I have made some decisions. The first decision I made was this...I know that it is doing me no good sitting here at Carol Rd. I really need to get up out of here! So, I made a call to someone who may be able to help me. I hesitate to say who it was at this time, but needless to say, this person has many connections and told me that she would look into the situation and help me to see what my options are. I then copied a not to several of my friends who have been helping me.

I also went to Friday Church! My friend, Joe was there...he is really supportive of what is going on. The service was good and I talked to Keisha. She encourged not to fear; reminding me that God is at my side, always! She said that God would not leave me with out a roof over my head, food to eat or without anything else I might need.

God has put some great people of faith in my path! More later.

Things just have to move on from here!

What happened? There was a time when I lived on my own and I got out there and did what it was I needed to do. It seems that over the last five years or so, I have become this slug. Now, I can't seem to get motivated to do anything on my own. My friends are trying to help me, but I only do things when they are available. When I am on my own, I do little more than sit around and play computer games.

It's not like I don't know what I need to do and when I am away from home, I seem to get more done. But, when I go home, I'm back to sitting in front of the computer. I know I have potential, I know that I have a lot going for me, but for the life of me I can't seem to figure out what it is that is holding me back! Am I that afraid of getting out there on my own? Is it so scary that I am frozen in my tracks? Maybe it's just laziness? Maybe, just maybe, I am just making excuses not to do what I need to do.

Well, I need to think about this some more. I'm going to stop and go do something else. What I do know just from this little bit is that something needs to change and that being able to write like this is good for me.

It's Been a Mighty Long Time

As the title indicates, it has been a mighty long time since you have seen me here. Life has been rather busy and summer seemed to have flown by. Let me fill you in on just how crazy things have been.

Since I am now an empty nester and I don't have children around all the time I tend to forget just how quickly they grow up. This year, Lilli turned 10, my son Josh got his first apartment (yes, he went kicking and screaming into adulthood) and my nephew Stephen got married and his sister Amie has a baby due the first of the year. It's not just relatives, either. Eric, who I thought was going to end up a confirmed bachelor, got married, to the lovely Amanda. There are more babies due than I can shake a stick at. Carol, Shanda, Brittany, Molly, Allie and I've already told you about Amie...

On the end of life side, there have been friends and family who have gone home for the last time. Danny Brunton, Emily Thomas, Jessie Davis, Alvie Ray Miller, Ann Mildred Miller, and Juanita Glaze. All of these folks passed away in the past two months. They will be missed.

I guess this is all for now. I always say I hope to write more often and I guess I do mean that, maybe it will happen!

This week

When I say this week, I really mean the last seven days, not the ones to come...

Under "Kids Say the Darndest Things" we have my great nieces, Jaide, age 6 and Chloe, age 3.

Jaide: "Justin Beaver(Beiber)is not only cute, he is S-I-X!"

(We think she was trying to spell sexy!) What I want to know is What does a 6 year old think sexy is?

Chloe: (At the dinner table) "I want some ass-o-sauce!(applesauce)