Reflections on Addiction and Recovery

Tonight, I was listening to the speaker at the AA meeting at SIS. As I listened to the experiences of those who were in attendance, I began to think and compare their experiences to those I had when I was at my wildest. I can remember being at some of the same points as those I heard speak. Were it not for making some different decisions and God's grace, I would most certainly be in the same position as they are today.

I can remember thinking that I thought I was cool when I tried pot for the first time. I wanted to fit in and I had never had the courage when I lived in Jefferson County. It wasn't around, I guess. I can remember drinking Wild Turkey with Tommy at the place where his sister lived, not far from where I live now. That was daring, but more acceptable in my family. While I can trace these beginnings and I could blame the things that were going on at home, I still have to take responsibility for my part in the choices I made.

I know that God must have had some plans for me because things could have turned out so different.

Change is Good

Somethin's happenin' here, what it is ain't exactly clear, singing songs and carrying signs...that seems to be the song that comes to mind these days. Not because of the conflict in our nation, although that may be part of it, it seems to have more to do with my personal life than anything else. So many things are happening that it sometimes makes my head spin. You know what happens when you finally get to a point where you either do something or sit around and wait for the end of life? I was at that point at the beginning of summer.

I am at the age where I no longer have to responsibility of children and it seems that the work I have done in the past is not nearly as relevant as it once was. In other words, I want to live and feel and do something before I get so old that I can't. I am not sure as to what that is, but I know that it is out there.

Is that a midlife crisis?

In an earlier post I wrote about some of the things that went on this summer. My next younger sibling turned 50, my baby brother announced that he was "volunteering" for his second tour of duty, this time to Afghanistan and my time singing with the Friday Night Band had come to an end. Oh, and I am unemployed! While all these things were fairly important, in and of themselves, the emotional and spiritual changes that came along with them were equally as significant.

For the last four years, since Dad had died I have been living with my friend Jim. (I hate the term boyfriend, sounds so high school and all.) At first things were good, we lived in the house that he had rented for many years and we also had other roommates, as well. But after being there for only eight short months, we found out that the owner was selling the house and that we would need to move. That brings us to where we are now. Because we had to move in a hurry and there wasn't time to save money to move, our only real choice was to move in with another friend of Jim's. A man that had a home, not far away from where we were living. That all took place three years ago.

When we moved in there, Jim was sure that it would be short term and had told me that I shouldn't get comfortable. I know that he told me that for my own good. Now it has been three years and I'm still not comfortable and I want to have a place of my own.

That brings me back to the Summer of 2009.

This summer I decided that I had all I could take. I have difficulties with depression and a lot of physical ailments as well. I had become so depressed from looking for work and not being able to find anything, the whole issue with the band was devastating. I was about to give up! As a matter of fact I had given up! All of my days seemed to be filled with sitting in front of the television set and at the computer. My brain was going numb!

It was at that point when I started having contact with some friends from my past. These friends seemed to have some ideas that sounded promising. I decided to take a look at what they were talking about and see if there was indeed something there for me.

I can't say it was really just my friends though. I do believe that God had a hand in this. I think God knew that I was a the bottom and that is when God sent my friends to make me look up! And looking up is what I needed to do. I have started back to reading (thanks John and Michael), I have started meditating, and walking, and I started taking time to do the things I need to do for myself (thanks to Monte, Cynthia and Joe). I have lived all my life doing what I thought was right, what I thought was expected of me and denying myself in order to make it happen. I have put my dreams away. partly due to fear of what others would say or how they would react. It is at this point, now that I no longer accept that as reality.

I know that by declaring that I will conquer my fear and be the woman that God has intended for me to be, that it will not always be easy. And well, there is that fear of the unknown lurking out there, fear that God is going to drop me in the middle of something scary or hurtful or dangerous, but I know that is silly because I have faith that God knows what God is doing. In other words, I have a fear of losing control.

Or maybe it was a fear of taking control? Now that I think about it, I'm not sure that what I was really tired of is not being in control. In reality, I think maybe I had given up control instead and allow others to direct things for me.

Today, I am staying with my daughter, Lori. It's temporary because she suddenly got very ill and needed help with my granddaughter, Lilli. I have been here for a week and I don't know for sure how much longer I will need to be here. but I am here and God is using me and blessing me. A lot has changed since May 2009 and I had made a statement on my Facebook page that I had felt that 2009 was going to be year of change for me. It surely has, but it's not over...