What a Wonderful year!

Well, it's December 23rd and almost Christmas. I'm amazed at the way this year has gone. But then I usually am. Saying what I am thankful for and counting and recounting every blessing. This time I have decided to write it down here.

The biggest thing to have happened this year is having the ability to let go. There is a song we sing at Friday Church that is called "Release and Let Go". I took that as my mantra for the summer. There were a lot of things I just needed to let go of. Some things that made me angry, some things that broke mt heart, but I had to leard to "let it all go" as the song says.

The next big thing for me was I changed from singing tenor to alto in choir. Now some might think that isn't a big deal. But it has caused me to face a few things. One, I don't care for sitting with the women. I keep thinking that this is going to make me identified with these women. Sounds stupid, I know but that is how I felt when I first changed parts. Two, I have to learn all new parts. I have been skating along, all these years, in the tenor section, especially during the holidays, because we sing a lot of the same music from year to year and so I only had a limited amount of music I had to actually learn. Number three, I no longer stand out. When I sang tenor, I was an anomaly. I liked that, I stood out! Which leads to some the other things that have happened this year.

My friend, Megan said that she finally had to realize that she was not going to be the big time, hot shot and accept what God has given her. One of her favorite sayings comes from Mother Theresa, "None of us can do anything great on our own, but we can all do a small thing with great love." Truth is, not many of us really get to be the "hot shot" we dream of, but we are all called to do the small things, with great love. That is one of the things I have learned and still learning from Megan. She is one of the big things that has happened to me this year.

I asked God to send me someone to help me get out of the situation I am in. I knew what I wanted and needed, but didn't have the clarity of thought to do it on my own. God sent me Megan. I have known her for a long time, but just casually. Now, I am cat-sitting for her while she is out of town. She comes to the house to pick me up. She helps me run errands that otherwise don't get done or they are done at Jim's convenience (and with a lot of heavy sighing or complaining). Over all she is helping me to get up and live the life I should be living.

Something else happened this year. There are several people in my family who have passed away. I mentioned most of them in a previous post. One I didn't mention was my stepsister Anita. This is really strange because I can't for the life of me remember her last name. It's in my head somewhere, but it isn't coming to where I can access it.

Another thing, related to the music is that I gained enough confidence to be able to go on a choir tour with members of our Sanctuary Choir and 12 African Students, studying in Morocco. Voices United! I now have a whole new world of friends from that experience. That was one of the most wonderful and exhausting experiences of my life.

I also went of vacation, alone this year! Something I had never done!

And look at me, writing all this stuff about me!

Okay, So I skipped yesterday!

Yes, I skipped writing yesterday, but then Sunday's are always busy. Yesterday was proof that my children still have issues, but different ones. It took forever to get things organised, yesterday. Church was very good, Lilli rang handbells for the first time in worship. They really did a good job! I continue to be impressed by the music program at Highland! Thanks to Rick, Libby, Mac and Marilyn for all the work you do with our children.

After church, there was planning for lunch. I told the kids that I could not treat them to lunch this week. Lori was okay with that, but Josh managed to talk someone into fronting him for lunch with the guarantee that he would pay them back. I was not happy, but I guess I need to let him be responsible for himself.

As I continue to make my plans, I really need to maintain some focus. I made a list of things I need to do this week and now I must find a way to do them.

Things just have to move on from here!

What happened? There was a time when I lived on my own and I got out there and did what it was I needed to do. It seems that over the last five years or so, I have become this slug. Now, I can't seem to get motivated to do anything on my own. My friends are trying to help me, but I only do things when they are available. When I am on my own, I do little more than sit around and play computer games.

It's not like I don't know what I need to do and when I am away from home, I seem to get more done. But, when I go home, I'm back to sitting in front of the computer. I know I have potential, I know that I have a lot going for me, but for the life of me I can't seem to figure out what it is that is holding me back! Am I that afraid of getting out there on my own? Is it so scary that I am frozen in my tracks? Maybe it's just laziness? Maybe, just maybe, I am just making excuses not to do what I need to do.

Well, I need to think about this some more. I'm going to stop and go do something else. What I do know just from this little bit is that something needs to change and that being able to write like this is good for me.

Change is Good

Somethin's happenin' here, what it is ain't exactly clear, singing songs and carrying signs...that seems to be the song that comes to mind these days. Not because of the conflict in our nation, although that may be part of it, it seems to have more to do with my personal life than anything else. So many things are happening that it sometimes makes my head spin. You know what happens when you finally get to a point where you either do something or sit around and wait for the end of life? I was at that point at the beginning of summer.

I am at the age where I no longer have to responsibility of children and it seems that the work I have done in the past is not nearly as relevant as it once was. In other words, I want to live and feel and do something before I get so old that I can't. I am not sure as to what that is, but I know that it is out there.

Is that a midlife crisis?

In an earlier post I wrote about some of the things that went on this summer. My next younger sibling turned 50, my baby brother announced that he was "volunteering" for his second tour of duty, this time to Afghanistan and my time singing with the Friday Night Band had come to an end. Oh, and I am unemployed! While all these things were fairly important, in and of themselves, the emotional and spiritual changes that came along with them were equally as significant.

For the last four years, since Dad had died I have been living with my friend Jim. (I hate the term boyfriend, sounds so high school and all.) At first things were good, we lived in the house that he had rented for many years and we also had other roommates, as well. But after being there for only eight short months, we found out that the owner was selling the house and that we would need to move. That brings us to where we are now. Because we had to move in a hurry and there wasn't time to save money to move, our only real choice was to move in with another friend of Jim's. A man that had a home, not far away from where we were living. That all took place three years ago.

When we moved in there, Jim was sure that it would be short term and had told me that I shouldn't get comfortable. I know that he told me that for my own good. Now it has been three years and I'm still not comfortable and I want to have a place of my own.

That brings me back to the Summer of 2009.

This summer I decided that I had all I could take. I have difficulties with depression and a lot of physical ailments as well. I had become so depressed from looking for work and not being able to find anything, the whole issue with the band was devastating. I was about to give up! As a matter of fact I had given up! All of my days seemed to be filled with sitting in front of the television set and at the computer. My brain was going numb!

It was at that point when I started having contact with some friends from my past. These friends seemed to have some ideas that sounded promising. I decided to take a look at what they were talking about and see if there was indeed something there for me.

I can't say it was really just my friends though. I do believe that God had a hand in this. I think God knew that I was a the bottom and that is when God sent my friends to make me look up! And looking up is what I needed to do. I have started back to reading (thanks John and Michael), I have started meditating, and walking, and I started taking time to do the things I need to do for myself (thanks to Monte, Cynthia and Joe). I have lived all my life doing what I thought was right, what I thought was expected of me and denying myself in order to make it happen. I have put my dreams away. partly due to fear of what others would say or how they would react. It is at this point, now that I no longer accept that as reality.

I know that by declaring that I will conquer my fear and be the woman that God has intended for me to be, that it will not always be easy. And well, there is that fear of the unknown lurking out there, fear that God is going to drop me in the middle of something scary or hurtful or dangerous, but I know that is silly because I have faith that God knows what God is doing. In other words, I have a fear of losing control.

Or maybe it was a fear of taking control? Now that I think about it, I'm not sure that what I was really tired of is not being in control. In reality, I think maybe I had given up control instead and allow others to direct things for me.

Today, I am staying with my daughter, Lori. It's temporary because she suddenly got very ill and needed help with my granddaughter, Lilli. I have been here for a week and I don't know for sure how much longer I will need to be here. but I am here and God is using me and blessing me. A lot has changed since May 2009 and I had made a statement on my Facebook page that I had felt that 2009 was going to be year of change for me. It surely has, but it's not over...